Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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