the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
