I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
