I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
