I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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