i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
