Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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