I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
