Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
