Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
