Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
