whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
