We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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