The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
