There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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