the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
