Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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