Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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