Your face is a jimmy john
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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