How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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