How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
