I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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