I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
