....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
