I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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