at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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