Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
