I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
