got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
