i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
