He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
