I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
