If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
