when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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