Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
