dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
