I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.