I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!