Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
