He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
