the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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