ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
