We won't sleep together?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
