I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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