She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just pee around me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
