M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Alive.
So much puke
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
