i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
