Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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