I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
