the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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