I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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