I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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