Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
As shirtless as possible
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
