A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
