Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
