I wanna bring you to show and tell
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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